I miss you, so much. I keep hoping that maybe this nightmare isn't real, that any day now an email from you will pop into my inbox. It all just seems so unfair. I did not get to spend enough time with you. Two years is not enough; every day of the rest of my life would not have been enough. You always sold yourself short, never gave yourself enough credit. But, Corey, you touched my heart and affected me the way no else ever has, or ever will. I wish I could tell you that face to face...I wish I had done so before, so I could be sure that you know. But I have to believe that you can read this, that you're not too far out of touch. So you know. You must know.
So many things are different now...you told me you thought you were inconsequential, but I hope you see now how wrong you were. I mean, the thought of singing "Dies Irae" without you is sickening right now, and who is going to walk in the halls with me all the way from 2nd to 5th period every day? My whole world has been turned upside-down. You know, I've started remembering little, stupid things that matter, but really don't matter...like the fact that I had to check to see if you'd returned the library book I lent you. As far as I can tell, you did, but I never got to talk to you about it, find out if you liked it or not. I went through all these old papers and things to find the notes you'd written me way back in 10 grade, remember? I found them and I read them, and they only made me miss you all the more. I gathered all the pictures I have of you and sadly, it isn't as many as I would like. I wish I had kept all our Oswald pictures, and all our old emails. If there was any way to get them back, I would...every word you ever typed, wrote, or said to me is sacred to me; I wish I could gather them all and keep them forever. I wish a lot of things.
I am afraid...afraid that slowly, over time, your face and voice will fade from being crystal clear in my memory to nothing more than dim recollections, and I don't want that to happen. Ever. I fear that years of other things will push my memories of you aside, but as you said about me, I would hate myself if I ever forgot about you. I can still hear you speak, the way you'd say "J-Steve!" and smile your heart-warming smile with those beautiful eyes. When you sang, I melted inside. You know that, right? No other sound like it in all the universe. I am so infinitely happy you joined chorus and sang with us. It is impossible to say how much you added to our little 4th period musical group...I know that because of you, we all have so many delightful memories that will never be forgotten.
There are so many things I was planning and expecting, and taking for granted that they would come to pass. We were supposed to stand on-stage after the final performance of Little Shop and get our senior flower bouquets. We were supposed to pick out a senior song, and sing it, and wear the little red corsages that identify us as seniors at our last concert. You were supposed to sing "Soldier, Soldier" with us, and sing the gorgeous solo Mrs. Weeks had picked out for you. You were supposed to be there at senior prom, to make the night all the more memorable. If you had asked me to go with you, I would've said yes, without a doubt. Corey, you were supposed to walk across that stage with the rest of us come June 22nd. There would have been laughing and crying and more pictures and parties than I care to imagine. You were supposed to be there to celebrate my 18th birthday with me, just like I was supposed to celebrate yours. You were supposed to write a message on the back of your senior picture and give it to me, but now I will never get the message you planned to write. I wonder what you would've written...I wish I could know.
I miss you more than I can tell. I miss everything about you, from all your different faces and voices, to your gestures and expressions. The same black sneakers you wore every day, and the way you hung your coat on the strap of your bag so it'd be easier to carry. The way we were total kids of the 90's and had so much in common...the way you'd sweep back your hair with your fingers when it fell in your face. All of these things were strangely comforting in their perpetual sameness and I probably took it for granted that I could always count on you to be the same old you. Now I miss that comfort and solidarity with my whole being. I hope that I touched you as much as you touched me, and that you will remember us all, the ones you left behind way too soon. Corey, I love you forever and will miss you always. I carry you with me wherever I go; you are my shining star and my inspiration. I hope you are happy wherever you are, and I will never ever forget you.
Love with all my heart,
J-Steve
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